Down in the dumps part infinity +1 #personal #journal

Every day brings new reminders that I’m an outsider. But I desperately want to be in insider. I desperately want to have some place where I belong.
I had that when I worked for DoL. But that’s gone now.
It’s ironic. A common complaint about the workplace — in New Zealand, America, wherever — was that people don’t bond. And that’s true, to some extent, I guess.
But I’m in a whole different space right now. There’s a gulf between the deficiency of workplace relations in an fully English-speaking environment, and where I am now.
Effectively on the outside.
Damn it, work is just miserable for me. No, let me amend that. My days are miserable — and only those days when I’m at work. My nights are much more agreeable, as are my weekends.
I simply enjoy things so much more when I’m with my family. They give my life the meaning I don’t get at work.
When I’m home with Yuri and Shuichi, I actually feel like I’m worth something. I actually feel like I belong. I feel like I can make a difference.
I feel like there’s someone — at least two people — who give a damn what I think. Who give me their respect.
And that’s so crucial to me now because I don’t get that at work. All I am here is just that foreign guy who can’t speak Japanese.
The terrible part is that I agree with them. I don’t deserve to be here; the company doesn’t deserve to have an under-achiever like me here in the first place. I’m the guy who couldn’t make it anywhere else.
That’s a big change from where I was in Wellington. I could fairly easily have moved from department to department. Or even within the department. My managers saw that I was doing good work. I had plenty of opportunities to pick up new skills, and I could see the value in them — I could see how they would translate into better jobs in the future.
I can’t see that here.


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